The orgasm gap - how women can empower themselves sexually

Sex is surely meant to be a pleasurable form of release for everyone, so why do we still talk about an 'orgasm gap' in terms of heteronormative sex?

Weekend Breakfast puts female pleasure under the spotlight with an experienced Bodysex coach and sexuality counsellor. 

Jessica Adams, who lives with her family between South Africa and Austria, has a practice in Cape Town and also works online.

She explains that she got into the field through her own personal journey, inspired to sign up for Bodysex after watching Gwyneth Paltrow's goop lab on Netflix.

Bodysex is an online course which helps women connect to their bodies - it employs self-exploration and hands-on practice using the Betty Dodson method.

"A Bodysex coach is basically someone who teaches women to orgasm, and through that deal with all the shame and trauma that we as women endure growing up in this society."

"Three weeks in, I said to my husband I'm going to do the training because what I've learned in this time I cannot keep to myself... Every woman on this planet needs to know what I now know."

Jessica Adams, Bodysex Coach

The things she'd learned were actually simple Adams says, really just basic anatomy.

She notes, as a mother of three boys, that males have a very different relationship to their genitals because they can see themselves.

"For girls it's the unknown, 'down there', don't talk about it... It's layered with shame over the years. You don't look, and then you enter sexual relationships and you have no idea what's happening and how to talk about it, because you can't even guide a partner if you don't know what you want and if you dont have the vocabulary for it."

Jessica Adams, Bodysex Coach

Adams agrees that we can trace many women's inability to reach orgasm back to this still-prevalent sense of shame.

Women have the most sophisticated sex organ in the world she says, and society couldn't deal with them having this kind of power.

"We've got an organ that's there for nothing but pleasure but no-one tells us about it, or shows us how it works... It's many generations of shame. There's a power there that's uncomfortable to the society we live in, because if we walk with that power things may look a bit different."

"And then there's the idea of what sex has become, which is very much focused on reproduction - we look at intercourse as sex, and it's so much more than that. That is the reason why a lot of women can climax by themselves, but not with a partner."

Jessica Adams, Bodysex Coach

The breakthrough part of Bodysex is using a mirror to look at yourself and see your genitals in a non-judgmental way, Adams explains.

Women tend to be uncomfortable about doing this, no thanks to the beauty and porn industries for perpetuating an ideal of what the female anatomy 'should' look like.

On her website, Adams uses sketches by Betty Dodson to show how beautiful for instance women's vulvae are.

"There's this beauty industry that's doing a lot of surgery on genitals to make us look a certain way.... When you look at yours, leave the shame aside. I know it's not easy, but just look at it and see the beauty in it..." 

"There's a lot of shame and 'but I don't look like that', but that is what were trying to break through. We're all unique; none of us look the same."

Jessica Adams, Bodysex Coach

Adams says research shows that around 83% of women don't always orgasm while 96% of men ALWAYS do during partner sex, with which is usually meant intercourse.

The fact is that 100% of women can reach orgasm, she insists.

"If we broaden that view and look at what sex is and is not,, there's a lot more room for climax as well, so the orgasm gap basically means it's time for women to get pleasure into their lives, and not just sexual pleasure but all kinds of pleasure." 

Jessica Adams, Bodysex Coach

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