Grief and loss: Healing the trauma of infertility

The trauma of infertility can be a lasting one if you, and your partner, don't manage to work through it.

Even when the process does end with a healthy baby, a long struggle to conceive may exact a brutal toll.

Sara-Jayne Makwala King asks counselling psychologist Cornelia Swart what differentiates infertility trauma from the general stress and anxiety that goes along with being unable to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term.

Swart says it is characterised by lasting feelings of grief, of loss, helplessness and profound emotional pain.

"Infertility trauma can have a profound impact on the person's identity, their sense of self-worth and their overall well-being... It is all about the intensity, it's about the persistence... and it can have long-term consequences around depression, anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder."

Cornelia Swart, Counselling Psychologist

And of course the sense of grief and loss experienced by an individual or couple can be intensified by the rollercoaster ride of fertility treatments.

"The uncertainty, the disappointments, and the constant hope associated with infertility can heighten the levels of anxiety and stress... They may feel overwhelmed by the pressure of trying to conceive, uncertainty about their future..."

"Prolonged infertility can trigger depression, feelings of hopelessness, sadness, despair... and then also the hormonal fluctuations during the treatments contribute to that."

Cornelia Swart, Counselling Psychologist

Social isolation is another factor that comes into play, because people generally don't want to talk about their constant failures and disappointments, Swart says.

Processing the trauma is vital, she reiterates, particularly if an individual or couple take a decision to move on to adopting a child.

"It's absolutely crucial, because adoption is a totally different process that you have to be prepared for."

"It brings along its own set of challenges and emotions, and when a couple who's  been unsuccessful with falling pregnant doesn't deal with their sense of loss and grief, and their sense of inadequacy, they can transfer that."

Cornelia Swart, Counselling Psychologist

Unprocessed trauma can manifest in ways that affect the adopted child and the adoptive parents, she cautions.

"It's unfair to a child to be brought into a family where the parents are not ready for that child, where they are able to fully give love and receive love in return."

"You cannot project your unmet needs onto the adopted child, so that is why it's so important to process that trauma before the adoption process actually starts."

Cornelia Swart, Counselling Psychologist

Swart's advice to loved ones is not to try and fix things, which they of course can't, but to focus on empathy and emotional support.

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