How to deal with tense family situations over a holiday period

Zain Johnson, in for CapeTalk's Sara-Jayne Makwala King, chats to Pauline Sevitz, a counselling social worker.

Many people are making use of this Easter and Passover period to relax and have fun with family and friends.

But it can be a stressful period as well, with some forced into what could be a pressure cooker situation with people with whom there are simmering tensions.

What is the best day to deal with fraught relationships over the holidays?

Zain Johnson chats to Pauline Sevitz, a counselling social worker in private practice who also does some work with Famsa, the Family and Marriage Society of SA.

Sevitz looks at ways to pre-empt a possible confrontation at these gatherings meant to be joyful for all present.

"You can put strategies in place to help you to cope, because you may not feel ok about being in the situation - you might be thrust into it because it might be your partner's family you have to deal with, it might be friends you have to get together with as a group where you don't want to exclude yourself."

Pauline Sevitz, Counselling Social Worker

One strategy is to speak to the person or people you have an issue with before you actually see them.

This entails either speaking to them yourself, or to someone close to them.

"You know which are your difficult areas, your buttons tht people might push and you prepare yourself for that, taking personal responsibility as much as possible."

Pauline Sevitz, Counselling Social Worker

It can also be helpful to REHEARSE tricky discussions beforehand, especially with the help of someone who can be objective.

As a counsellor, says Sevitz, she's already had a number of clients in the buildup to these holiday periods who've done the rehearsal with her of how they're going to deal with these difficult situations.

"I talk about 'I' messages as in 'I feel', so instead of coding it in an accusatory way you express what you feel - for instance with parents 'I feel hurt when you say these kind of things about my children not behaving."

"It is good to rehearse this so that somebody else who's not directly involved can put themselves in your shoes and in the other person's shoes."

Pauline Sevitz, Counselling Social Worker

It's also important to remember that this potential conflict situation is time-related Sevitz says - You're not stuck together with that person forever; you might just have to have a meal with that person or have to spend a few days with them.

Another important trick is to work on an escape route strategy ahead of time.

"If you're going to be at a dinner party and you can't bear the way somebody might be drinking too much, then work out an exit exercise that you can escape with ... even choose with other friends or family members who'll be there a a sign to come and rescue you if you're in a difficult situation." 

I think it's very important just to anticipate these kinds of things and then to be aware of how you can deal with them together, calling on support from other people who will be there."

Pauline Sevitz, Counselling Social Worker

Sevitz also covers what to do if a person tries to pick a fight with you in public, and the importance of setting boundaries - take a listen in the interview audio