Marriage burnout 101: How to detect it and overcome it

Relationships and marriage take work, and sometimes that work might leave couples feeling burnt out when it comes to expectations for each other or societal, economic and cultural pressure placed on couples.

For instance, the amount of couple time you share will likely shift once you have children, so it’s important to grow together and find new ways to stay connected and make time for each other.

If one person is evolving because of health or other issues, their partner might need to put in more effort than before to understand what the other person is going, and growing, through. This energy and effort is temporary, and required in this phase or season in the relationship or marriage.

Relationship or marriage burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by chronic relationship stress, where the negative aspects begin to outweigh the positive ones.

It can manifest as feelings of detachment, resentment, and a lack of excitement... often stemming from unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or external stressors that are projected onto the partner.

Addressing this burnout often requires improving communication, resolving individual issues, and consciously making time to reconnect.

Dudu Nhlabathi-Madonsela, a relationship coach believes "when people are at a stage in the relationship where they need to grow to the next level, they find themselves arguing over the same things and feeling like there's no resolution for this particular matter – but the thing is, it requires them to grow and it's either grow to the next level or grow and exit the relationship... but they actually don't know how to take the next step."

"People don't understand what contributes to marriage burnout, and most of the time they think it's because the spark has faded. But, there's so many contributing factors and once people understand what contributes to that and what overcomes that, a lot of relationships can be saved."

Marriage or relationship burnout doesn't have to end in divorce or separation, adds Nhlabathi-Madonsela.

How to distinguish burnout from regular ups and downs:

- Burnout is constant fighting over the same issue/s.
- There is no resolution.
- You don't feel heard by your partner, even if you adjust your communication style.
- Both partners feel frustrated about each other and the issue/s.

If you get to this point, Nhlabathi-Madonsela suggests getting a third party such as a professional counsellor to step in and assist.

"It's almost like stalemate, you need an outsider to intervene. You guys are stuck and you need somebody to help you get unstuck."

How much marriage/relationship burnout is enough?

Nhlabathi-Madonsela explains that the first step is to recognise the issues that are causing burnout.

Once you’ve identified them, it’s important to discuss and address these concerns with your partner.

However, if one partner resists resolving the issues and responds with anything other than love, understanding, and support, that’s when toxicity can take root, and it may be time to consider whether the relationship should continue.

How to receive a partner dealing with burnout:

"It's about accepting where a person is coming from and their perspective... appreciate where they come from and receive them with care," Nhlabathi-Madonsela says.

To listen to Dudu Nhlabathi-Madonsela in conversation with 702's Clement Manyathela, click the audio below: