Modelling healthy relationships shapes the kind of friends your child chooses

Friendships can help shape a child's identity. The right kind of friendship can teach children empathy, trust, cooperation but the wrong type of friendships can lead to insecurities, heartbreak and peer pressure.

So, how can parents ensure their kids choose friends, online or in-person, that are good for them? When is it okay to step in and when is it okay to step back or guide a child that can either make or break their confidence? How do you teach them to recognise red flags like manipulation or dishonesty in friendships?

Jeanie Cave, a Clinical Psychologist says, "friendships are an incredibly important part of life. People need other people."

Cave explains that a family dynamic and relationships with parents can be thought of as a blueprint for the way kids make friends...

"The family is ideally thought of as the training ground for navigating community and other parts of life."

So, it's important from the word go to expose your children to friendship and give them the opportunity to socialise and learn how to navigate the social context from about the age of 10.

Cave explains...

"Parents should start paying attention from early childhood development. However, friendships become influential from about the age of 10... That's when loyalty, who's in, who's out, the group dynamics and the social hierarchy of friendship become important."

How to lower the risk of being overbearing...

"So, if you're modelling optimal relationships, if you're modelling in your relationship with the child what is actually a safe and healthy relationship and if you are modelling in your relationships what is a safe and healthy relationship in your friendship selections, then the risk of becoming overbearing is incredibly low.

"Sharing and communicating in metaphors or symbolically is also helpful in sharing your wisdom and what you've learned - but not telling the child what to do."

When to stop intervening in your kid's friendships as a parent...

"Intervene in such a way... you are modelling and facilitating and supporting rather than instructing, dictating and telling them what to do, criticizing and blaming the other child, name calling the other child and putting your child in a crisis of loyalty... The time you stop intervening in friendships is the day you feel your child can live independently on their own and run their own household.

"Until that time, they do need you but it's about how you intervene and you do so in such a way that you are modelling behaviour and meta communicating which is talking about communication, rather than talking about people or situations. You are equipping them with the tools that they need to know it's safe to talk to you because they know they won't be in trouble with you for a learning curve, and they're never going to be in trouble with you for asking for help because they know it's safer to ask for help rather than continue on a destructive pattern.

"There should be honesty, vulnerability and open communication," in healthy parent-child relationships.

"An optimal relationship is where the parent is the driver of the car but the parent doesn't tell the child what to do but does keep the relationship safe so that the child is not flying blind into the world.

And also one in which the parent behaves appropriately, gives the child problem solving skills and tools by modeling those and making it completely safe so the child is able to talk to them and get the upport."

Warning sounds to look out for if a friendship is bad for your child:

"Anytime you see a change or disconnect in your child and withdrawing from the family system should be warning signs that something is not okay."

To listen to Cave in conversation with Clement Manyathela on 702, click below: