Why do people cheat? Understanding the complex psychology behind infidelity

Infidelity remains one of the most painful betrayals in relationships, yet it happens with surprising frequency. On a recent relationship feature podcast (scroll down to listen), relationship and life coach Paula Quincy offered valuable insights into why people cheat, revealing that the reasons behind infidelity are far more nuanced than many of us assume.

"When it comes to relationships, we are emotionally invested and emotionally connected to our partners," explained Quincy. "When it comes to cheating, that betrayal can do a lot of damage because we share intimate moments and our inner thoughts and feelings with these people that we share our life with."

The conversation explored how the definition of cheating varies widely from person to person. For some, only physical intimacy constitutes cheating, while others consider emotional connections or even flirtatious texting as crossing the line. Quincy emphasised the importance of couples discussing these boundaries early: "It's a good conversation for couples to have to clarify what the boundaries are and when you cross that boundary what the consequences are."

Perhaps most insightful was Quincy's explanation of why people cheat in the first place. Contrary to popular belief, infidelity rarely happens spontaneously. "We generally have affairs because something is missing either inside of us and/or in our relationship, and so we are seeking that elsewhere," she noted. These voids can range from unmet emotional needs to deeper issues of self-esteem and self-worth.

The podcast featured several callers sharing their personal experiences with infidelity. One caller described how his value system evolved through multiple marriages, eventually leading him to understand that ‘love is a choice’ that requires conscious commitment. Another caller candidly admitted to cheating without understanding why, questioning whether environmental factors from childhood might play a role.

Quincy addressed this possibility, confirming that our upbringing influences our relationship patterns: "If we've grown up in an environment where one of our parents cheated, we could follow in those footsteps because to us it is the norm, or we could go to the extreme opposite and vow to never be like that."

The discussion also touched on how sexual incompatibility can contribute to infidelity. When one partner has a significantly higher sex drive than the other, it can create tension that, if not addressed through open communication, might lead to seeking fulfilment elsewhere.

In conclusion, the podcast revealed that infidelity is rarely about simple attraction but rather about complex emotional needs, communication failures, and sometimes deep-seated psychological patterns. As Quincy reminded listeners, "Cheating is a choice. At the end of the day, we are not born cheaters. We become cheaters."

Want to understand more about the psychology behind infidelity and how to build stronger relationships? Click below for more insights from Quincy and the candid stories from callers who have experienced infidelity firsthand: