Couples therapy 'not a quick fix' to save relationships - Relationship Coach

According to relationship coach Leigh Joy, every relationship faces its challenges but therapy doesn’t necessarily save them all.

While some attend pre-marital counselling, it doesn’t always guarantee long-term success.

“At least 10% of the couples who come to me for marriage counselling end up getting divorced,” says Joy.

She believes several stigmas still surround couples counselling, including misconceptions...

"Through my lived experience as a counsellor, I think it's because women are socialised to be emotional and it comes quite naturally for us to be social creatures. Men are social as well, they can go for drinks at the bar... but if you ask them what they were talking about, they're talking about cars, motorbikes and rugby. They might say, 'my wife's driving me nuts,' but it wouldn't be an in-depth conversation about what's difficult for them."

"Partners have come to respect their men even more because they've been able to be vulnerable, because it's actually a strength."

The second stigma is the façade: "Like keeping up with the Joneses... it's the façade of a relationship and if we're going to therapy, then there must be something wrong with us."

Joy believes "therapy does not save a relationship, but it does bring honesty to the fore... it's not a quick fix."

What counselling is and isn't...

Couples therapy shouldn’t be about pointing fingers, assigning blame, or determining who’s right or wrong, it’s about fostering mutual understanding.

Some couples may simply feel stuck or uninspired, needing a renewed sense of purpose and excitement to reconnect with their partner.

Counselling also isn’t about pushing couples toward separation unless it’s truly necessary. Instead, it’s a space to say, “You’ve changed, how does that serve us? How can I understand you better? And what does the next phase of our relationship look like?”

Joy explains the heart of couple's therapy...

"I think therapy is about coming back together and going, 'Hey, I miss my friend, I miss the one I fell in love with, I miss the one who was on my team, and we were out there facing the world together. And somewhere along the way, we started fighting each other. We changed from being alongside each other in the world, holding hands and building a future together, to fighting each other, not holding hands, scowling and fighting.'"

While many enter therapy hoping to save their relationship, some come to realise that divorce may be the healthiest path forward. Others, however, emerge from counselling stronger, more resilient, compassionate, and deeply connected than ever before.

AI and therapy...

Joy says asking AI about your relationship can be helpful, but it shouldn't be used a replacement for therapy.

"It definitely needs to be a supplementary go-to, it can't be a replacement for therapy. We're human, so we need human instead of artificial intelligence, we're empathic and I want to see a client's tone, where their eyes are going, their body language, if they're distressed and on what level... you can't see that with AI."

Ultimately, couple's therapy is a process designed to leave both individuals and the couple as a whole, in a healthier, more positive place.

To listen to Joy in conversation with Thabo Shole-Mashao, standing in for Clement Manyathela on 702, click below: