Why 'small stuff' can kill a relationship

Not all relationships end with a soap opera-style blow-up or telenovela-worthy catastrophe like a betrayal.

Instead, some unravel quietly, often over what appears, on the surface, to be something small.

An annoying habit, a difference in communication, a disconnect or emotional distance that outstays its welcome.

According to Nhlathabthi-Madonsela, it's often not the 'small thing' itself that ends the relationship, but what that 'thing' represents.

She says that while many of us can quickly identify what we like or dislike in a partner, we may not often interrogate where those preferences come from.

"They don't sit and say, 'What informs this decision? Why do I have an avoidance of certain characteristics, or why do I like what I like?"

She says it may even get to the stage where someone regrets a decision to leave a partner over something small because the decision was not rooted in their value system.

"It was rooted in maybe influence from others and sitting in their subconscious, and they're not aware of it.

Another instance may be where we base our expectations and desires or standards on past traumas or even what she refers to as a scarcity mentality.

"And once we have overcome that, or we heal from that, or we grow from that, we realise that the thing that we deemed quite important was not that important to us," says Nhlathabthi-Madonsela.

To listen to Nhlabathi-Madonsela in conversation with Kgomotso Modiso, use the audio player below: